My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
You Might Also Like
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people