*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
yeet
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?