I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.