Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You Might Also Like
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
#oldknees
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times