“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
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*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.