Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
eggs benadryl
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?