opening twitter today
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*