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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Woke up against my better judgement again
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: