something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
oh you wanna fight?!
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood