Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
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After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
There are no pants in heaven.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist