Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*pronounces patio like ratio
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun