I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.