I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?