You Might Also Like
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?