I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
i think my razor is having a panic attack
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.