9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.