surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
no!! no!!!!!!
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”