Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
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“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”