When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
You Might Also Like
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Festive toon…
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.