Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
man: wait
time: no
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.