I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
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We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Every time.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.