“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
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From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.