Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
We like the way Dwight thinks
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.