[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
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Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
finally
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
#growingpains
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions