Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed