When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
You Might Also Like
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
They’re stuck in your pants?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.