I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
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I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!