*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.