I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Eat…
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
When your parents check you’re ok.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening