JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
a fate I wish upon no one
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*