People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating