GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.