me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
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[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
opening twitter today
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude