Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
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Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
6: are snakes just neck?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”