me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
christening a ship with an overripe banana
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney