Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
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friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
IT’S-A ME,
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.