Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.