As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.