I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
You Might Also Like
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser