Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.