Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
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My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie