I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
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Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I鈥檓 still wondering why
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 馃槀
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn鈥檛 been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I鈥檓 a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don鈥檛 want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Any body can be a summer body if it鈥檚 discovered between the months of June and September
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn鈥檛 add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 馃槶馃槶
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I鈥檓 not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
2022 be like
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You never notice pilots because they鈥檙e usually in d鈥檚kies
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you鈥檙e hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
i can鈥檛 believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn鈥檛 shove them up his nose