I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
#parenting
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.