Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.