Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.