Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down