ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Geez man, take it easy.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: