Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
The happy life.. 😊