Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
That’s not how days work.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
The glory of fall.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.