#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Golf would be better with landmines.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back